Yet another dating website has joined the fray. But unlike the others, this one offers females total control. HerWay.com is centered around the idea that the women are in control, the women choose the men and the women make the first move. “It’s like an online Sadie Hawkins dance,” the site boasts. Men just create a profile and hope to be selected. The site advertises, “Guys, no more wasted time chasing!… She makes the first move!”
When She Makes the First Move
On the surface, it seems great. Who wouldn’t love a chance to search the faces and stats to their hearts content, selected potential dates a based on education, income, lifestyle, and height? It’s like the reality show The Bachelorette come to life! Imagine – not 25 guys – but 2,500… or more – for you to review, critique, talk to your girlfriends about, and maybe even date?! It’s every girl’s dream come true, right?
A male reviewer reported, “When I clicked the search button, I was greeted with: ‘Sorry Dave, your search for the right woman is over – why? Here, she finds you. That’s right. At HerWay the ladies do the searching.’” Another reviewing website encouraged its male readers to sign up, “Don’t worry guys, it’s great for you, too. Instead of sending out dozens of messages to women who either aren’t interested or whose inboxes are already overridden, HerWay allows men to sit back and let the ladies come to them.”
Because every girl, especially those seeking after Jesus and trying to be biblical is praying for a guy who just passively sits back and waits for her to ask him out, right? Umm, not! Girls desire to be noticed, sought after, pursued. That is how God designed us as women.
Men As Pursuers
What’s more, our created design has bigger implications. As Christians, dating, relationships, and ultimately marriage is not just about having a soul mate. It’s about reflecting the mysterious, intimate and complementary relationship that exists in the Godhead. God created male and female for a greater purpose than each other. . . He created us to reflect his nature, to understand him at a deeper level, and to shine the light on the love story between Christ and the church:
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit fin everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Ephesians 5:22-33
So who does the pursuing in a relationship isn’t just an arbitrary choice or preference. It’s a calling from God himself.
A Deeper Significance
A major notion of this generation is that gender roles are insignificant and irrelevant. It doesn’t matter who pursues. It doesn’t matter who wears the pants. In fact, it’s good if women take the wheel. Men have had their turn, and for far too long! While it has made for an interesting–though tragic–social experiment, this theory neglects to take the created design of male and female into consideration. It assumes that we get to decide for ourselves what manhood, womanhood, and male-female relationships are all about. It neglects the fact that there is a deeper significance to gender and sexuality.
For a woman to turn the tables and set up a relationship pattern where she’s the initiator is unwise. I can’t tell you how many women who have fallen into this pattern have ended up crying on my shoulder a few years later, dismayed that their husbands are wimps and not men–that they are passive and won’t lead. Inevitably, it only takes a few pointed questions to discover why. It’s usually because, right from the start, the woman “wore the pants.” That was the pattern of their relationship. She was the pursuer. He was the pursued. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist–or a social scientist — to figure out that once established, this relationship pattern is difficult to change.
Your Dating Relationship Sets the Pattern for Your Marriage
If a Christian girl insists on making the first move and pursuing a guy “her way,” what kind of a relationship do you think she will end up in? Do you think her style of relating supports who God wants her to be as a woman? Or who God wants him to be as a man? Do you think it will result in her having a husband who assumes his God-given responsibility? Or will she end up crying on someone’s shoulder in the future, because she’ll eventually clue in to the fact that her husband is a docile wuss? And that her effort to wear the pants in her house has become exhausting and frustrating, because it doesn’t fit with who God created her to be?
I know that nowadays men are plagued with the sin of passivity. This is primarily due to their sin nature, but also in part because women have brashly insisted on control. If you are in the dating scene, my advice to you is to avoid the temptation to do the chasing. Chances are that in the long run, this strategy will backfire. Making the first move and being the pursuer might get you a guy, but it probably won’t get you the kind of guy who will step up to the plate, be a man, go to bat for you, and head up your home in the way God intended.